Ladies Ski Pants - Can some one look at my story?

Can some one look at my story?

Ski Trip It is February 19th 2006. Today is the day that I am going on a field trip to a ski resort. I have never skied before in my life, It is early morning and I wake up. The sky is still dark, overhead we can see a thin line of orange kissing the dark hues of blue. The tree branches outside my window are crystallized with ice. My father, who drives a taxi, drives me to my school; Willowbrook Public School. During the ride, breathing the smell of leather in his car, my heart feels like it is attempting to push itself out of my throat. I hear a voice in my head say, Oh my god, you’re the only one who doesn’t’t know how to ski. As my father wishes me good luck and a ‘’Have fun, bachem!’’, I stretch my arm to put my backpack on. I see children outside the entrance, lights illuminate within. As I walk the cement pathway that leads to the school doors, I see people I recognize. Most of them have their own equipment, snowboards, ski shoes, carrying cases. I look at myself. I had on a pair of long johns under my jeans and my winter jacket. Nice. My stomach does a little jitterbug. I am told by my teacher, Mrs. Cappe, that since I am going to go to the beginner’s level, with the French teacher Ms. Francis, I should stick with them, and not to forget to meet under the big bell. ********************* On the Greyhound coach bus, with my backpack on top of the metal shelf, thoughts are whirling, like a hurricane approaching the calms of an island. This is going to be great, right? I still don’t know what bell Mrs. Cappe is talking about, but I hope I make it. Others were chit chattering away and gazing at the TV screens, watching a movie. My thoughts were bouncing back and forth, as I looked through the window. Snow covered hills, small evergreen trees decorating the bare whiteness were in view. I sighed. People began saying, ‘’Oh we’re here, it’s Mt. St. Louis!’ Getting off of the bus, we saw people already in their skis out-front and ready to go. We, the new arrivals, had to wait a good 30-45 minutes in line for our tags. I have to share a locker with Kristy, a student in my grade. So, I go to the front to get my boots. There are all sorts of coloured boots in the cabinets. I have my money to rent the boots with the skis. So I give them to the person on the counter who gives me my skis, after asking for my size. After putting on my boots, I needed skis. I hobble up to the counter, it felt like my legs were long pieces of wood that were about to snap if I didn’t walk like a toy soldier. The back of the shop was made of wood, and this shop was close to the doors that led to the great outdoors, the same terrain where I would acquire the skill of skiing. There were two guys behind the counter. I ask them for shoes. He just looks me up and down and goes to get skiis for me. I find this strange, how would he know my foot size? He says, ‘’Here you go.’’ , and hands them to me. Outdoors, I breathe in the crisp air outside, it hurts my nose. I wander to a girl looks friendly and ask nervously, Do you know where the Beginners Level is? She says, ‘’It’s right there‘’. She points to a group of people standing in a horizontal line. I go with my skis to join them. I feel like a lost lamb at the edge of a deep forest. The first thing we are supposed to learn is how to put on our skis. The instructor said that we should put our heel at the back so it would ‘click’ and stay put. I glanced at the others and attempted to do just that. I stuck my booted foot in the shoe. It wouldn’t fit. My cheeks turned a bright cerise. My insides felt like they were burning. I nervously get up to ask, ‘’Umm, excuse me, I can’t put them in.’’ The lady comes over and checks for me. ‘’Those skis are too small,’ she says. ‘’You’re going to have to exchange them.’’ All down the hill, (fortunately it was just a gentle curve) I had to hobble down to the rental Place. I kept on muttering to myself, ‘’What an idiot!’’ *************** Ten minutes and two shoe sizes later, I went back to see everyone learning how to stop, ‘pizza ‘’ way and turn. I tried doing that too. I took my ski poles and stabbed them into the fluffy snow. I made my way up to the top, leaving small circles behind. The instructor says, ‘’Go.’’ I try to push myself off, and I go, slowly, trying to push my weight on one side but then to save myself from a all, I cross my ski poles together and fall to the side. There’s the icy sensation of snow behind my neck. I watch the others do their turns, all of them succeeding as if the ground was their best friend. After continuing this several times, the instructor deemed me ‘okay’. After this, we go heading to the elevators to ski down the slope, a baby slope. I ask a girl in front of me what the time was, I kee EDIT---Is there anything I should cut? ---------this is a personal narrative, so yeah I find I rushed the end, a little bit...what do you think?

Public Comments

Thats really good, it needs a bit more exitement though.
It's really good. Except it sounds more like a list of what you did. Try adding more detail, more feeling. More thought. Were you angry when you got the wrong ski size? You spelt aquire wrong as well. And check your punctuation. But other than that it's really good. I like some of your similies.
this falls right into my weekly homework, i'll go over this as if it was a story in my english 366 workshop class. first off i am asking myself why this person is going on this sky trip in the first place, it is required or is he pushed into it. also there is no mention off the sex of the main characcter, or their name. these are things usually wanted in the first few paragraphs. usually it seeems out of ordanary to the writer, but is a plus to the reader. when you write it took 30/45 minutes, this seems unatural and takes us out of the voice of the main character, I feel you should pick one and go with it. one think i really like however is the use of the sences, things like the smell of leather in his dads car. the little circles left behind by his ski polls, this is good and brings the reader to the same place as your character. things you for sure have to do is iintroduce the sex and name of the character, and why he is doing this, and what is the purpose of the story.